Fresh Kills _ Panic Attack – Day 23, _ Kick - Day 24

Panic Attack – Day 23

The fuzzy thought reoccurs.

I am up against a white thing.  I seemingly white thing.  I am in gray and mist and up close, you can see everything eventually.

I touch the white thing again. Is it stone? Is it concrete? Is it plastic?

I am losing control of what I thought I had achieved here.

A panic attack!

…and if only in a second, a thought occurs, it then fades. All is black and yet the mind does wander in thousands of possibilities to label the moment. The mind cross-references and distills. The moment projects common, already acceptable explanations and then begins to search hidden archives on the fringes of reality. It is in this far reaching realm that fear and or fears often hide or live if that is the word and then…?

A blinding distraction appears on the retina. An essence, the crystal of light, of inspiration, flashes a bulb giving temporary brilliance. Outlines appear in levels focusing out away from the former center of brightest whites. These outlines disappear and seem to be reborn but less brilliant with pulsating, diminishing energy traveling down through grays and finally to the darkest shades of dark into blackest black…

Kick - Day 24

A kick!

I felt a kick.  Something within me reacted to everything.

My thoughts went backward toward death. I saw the hot white light of death of friction and heat exploding against steel, glass and flesh.

The image at the second of death has always been a marker or signpost in my journey on. Not onward.  Just on. Too many words and their energies do not translate into the light of death.

That if the whole universe operates at close to absolute zero in Kelvin scale, the universe as a whole is a cold sluggish place except for hot spots like stars or souls.

The spark of divinity that I carried within me in that dark sluggish cold near absolute zero universe did not prepare me for this limbo between that world of fixed physical laws and the bright non-fixed non-stagnant world passed death.

I find myself tumbling, readjusting mild form and mental status and am back into that once small tent in the small dark corner of that old box of mine and most of humanity’s existence. The light outside is still bright.  I look outside the tent. The bright light has become equal to the level of gray I have been existing in for some days and weeks now.

In a way the tent has expanded. It is above and all around me.  I have created a sphere of light, of intelligence, of purpose of full purpose and soul.

In a way that gray bubble provides enough light and energy to push back against that pyramid like once dark corner.

In a way I feel like I can push farther and finally inflate spheres, bubbles in all the eight corners of ignorance of my life. 

A kick!

I felt a kick.  Something within me reacted to everything.

My thoughts went backward toward death. I saw the hot white light of death of friction and heat exploding against steel, glass and flesh.

The image at the second of death has always been a marker or signpost in my journey on. Not onward.  Just on. Too many words and their energies do not translate into the light of death.

That if the whole universe operates at close to absolute zero in Kelvin scale, the universe as a whole is a cold sluggish place except for hot spots like stars or souls.

The spark of divinity that I carried within me in that dark sluggish cold near absolute zero universe did not prepare me for this limbo between that world of fixed physical laws and the bright non-fixed non-stagnant world passed death.

I find myself tumbling, readjusting mild form and mental status and am back into that once small tent in the small dark corner of that old box of mine and most of humanity’s existence. The light outside is still bright.  I look outside the tent. The bright light has become equal to the level of gray I have been existing in for some days and weeks now.

In a way the tent has expanded. It is above and all around me.  I have created a sphere of light, of intelligence, of purpose of full purpose and soul.

In a way that gray bubble provides enough light and energy to push back against that pyramid like once dark corner.

In a way I feel like I can push farther and finally inflate spheres, bubbles in all the eight corners of ignorance of my life.