Fresh Kills _ A Whole New Landscape - Day 10

A Whole New Landscape - Day 10

Exiting the crawl space or a pup tent I think maybe the light outside would make itself evident but it not.

Total darkness.

I take a few steps away and look back at the only light on the landscape which seems to be within the small enclosure under the canvas.  It had a mellow glow piercing the fabric.

Weird.

Everything is backwards here.  Logic at least.  One second the light is outside.  I go outside and the light is trapped within.  No logic to it.

I keep on walking or sense to walk more steps, move a distance and look back again.  The muted light within is getting smaller in the distance.

I stop.  Then fixing my sight on the distant glow of light, I try to circle the light at an equal distance.   I make a circle but am I on an even plane?  Am I moving around the points of sphere? 

Lack of gravity or lack of a body and an inner ear make all movements sometimes difficult if I focus too much thought or attention on them.

The distant light grows smaller and I am reminded of a single star in a dark sky. The light disappears.  The space is dark again.

I am transported back to that place where I had seen my old friend Myrtle in some rural part of Illinois of a century past.  The landscape is lush. The sky is blue.  It is bright but I sense no source of light as in a sun.  I walk and feel a breeze and I can smell the earth.

Smell? Where does that come from?  More likely memory than reality.

I stop.  The vision fades.

But now that the vision has faded, and before that the embers of light in the tent thing were gone, now an invisible trace of energy pulses through me.  I am aglow and more than that I can make out a faint trace of the hands and arms I used to have.

No great leap. The energy fades.  The outline fades.  The energy returns.  The outline of hands and arms return as well.  And so on and so forth. 

I sense a pulse like that of a heart beat growing but it is no human heart.  At my center of being is a faint glow of light that flickers on and off.  So too, my half ethereal body parts seems to get a sense of being on the glow, energy or whatever and hold onto the pulse and hold onto their faint outline with every beat of this strange energy.

In a way I can wave the faint trace of my hands or what passes for hands in this strange new environment.  I am thoughtful of long forgotten pictures of transparent jellyfish in the oceans of that once real and past world of the living.

Am I in some strange aquatic environment?  Aquatic and or spiritual atmosphere? Environment?

I say, no, I think spiritual.  Is this my spirit? Is spirit real? Is soul real?

What am I?

I am asking questions that have been asked by thousands of years by my species.  Always the quest and or questions continue.  Are these questions started here in this dead zone, this limbo?  Do the questions shake out of here, transcend to the world of the living? Am I just some echo or a true muse to others not heard or seen?

The landscape returns.  I drove through Illinois once traveling cross country by car in early spring and it seemed beautiful.  On that trip alone, one saw different poses of both a dying winter and a birthing spring from hour to hour, county by county, state by state.  Missouri was misery including the biggest potholes I had ever seen or traveled over in my life as I passed through St. Louis.  Caught a glimpse of the Gateway Arch monument out of the corner of one eye as I exited Missouri on a bridge crossing the mighty Mississippi River. 

Illinois was a pleasant surprise.

The old lady, Myrtle, she gave me a gift at the moment of death or shortly thereafter or even instantaneously. I had been her elder for a brief time in a small congregation in Arizona.  Perhaps I should have stayed there. Perhaps?

Sarcasm?  I must be getting better or acclimated to this new existence temporary or otherwise.  She gave me a glimpse of this possible new reality.

I have a firm place to set foot now in my dream of death. But it is not enough.

No sooner to I find something new and useful, then I am off again looking to something else.  My quest is to find comfort here? To find and or build a comfort zone?  Here?